Um, I'm sorry…
But, well, I'm not much good at anything, is all.
I'm as weak as a kitten and thick as two planks.
I've always been this way…since the very day I was born.
I'm afraid the only thing I’m proficient in is…is jerking…
Sorry…
A belated merry kirkmas to everyone. From the feedback I received on episode 1, and my pathological need to have everyone like me, I'll be softer on criticism to Mister Matthew Colville Dungeon Master. Also, it seems these AI transcription websites work! They're actually really bad, but they do the whole damn 3 hour video. Since I can quickly do the cleanup, that's enough time-saving for me 😁 Not gonna lie though, this website looks skeevy as all hell
As this show is mostly unedited livestreams, I guess it'll fall on me to take the role of Gary and summarize the plot for any jerkers who need brought up-to-speed. No "last time on the adventure zone"s here.
The Chain is the strongest mercenary company in a region called Vaz Loria or Vasloria or something. There's a nasty fellow named Ajax who conquered this region and ascended to demi-godhood. The players are the senior officers in this mercenary company and are contracted by someone to kill Ajax's court wizard, and get 5 special macguffin arrows to do the job. They post up the night prior to the morning he's supposed to show up at a big cathedral in a big city. They shoot him when he shows up, but it turns out this was a setup, some other villain they'd fought before was disguised as the wizard. Ajax's big magic sky fortress shows up above the city. Ajax himself flies down to them directly, and uses a Proper Noun fantasy artifact to summon a Demon Lord to fight them. It eats a PC. A vampire DMPC teleports in behind ajax and tries to kill him. He explodes her and her Proper Noun sword. A Griffin-style cutscene shows multiple other women are unhappy about this for unclear reasons. The party skidaddles to the harbor in this port city and one of the PC's lackeys haggles with the captain of a galleon to escape. Once they're safely out to sea, it turns out a whole unit of Ajax's orc soldiers was chilling below deck.
The party consists of:
Anna- "Judge", lvl5 Tiefling Illrigger
Lars- "King", lvl5 Human Cleric (Tempest Domain)
Töm – "Nails", lvl5 Human Sorcerer
Tom – "Copper", lvl5 Goblin Ranger (Beastmaster)
Phil – "Lieutenant", lvl5 Human Pugilist
The Adventure Zone: Unfettered
Episode 2 – Soldier Take Warning
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We start with a little 1 sentence teaser picking up directly after the last episode's cliffhanger
MCDM: I'm ground commander Vodakov; the forty-third company of foot; Ajax's Ninth Legion… and you are coming with me.
Company logo and the show intro play, and then we get right into it! NO PREAMBLE STRAIGHT INTO MY VEEEEIIIINS.
The orc commander wants them to return to the city. He says he knows they weren't responsible for what happened at the cathedral, and their commander is dead so they should join Ajax's side. Regardless if he's lying, how does he have this perfectly up-to-date knowledge of what happened like 20 minutes ago in-game?
Phil says he doesn't trust like that so they're going to fight.
For some reason their stupid gamer table is so big they have to use a laser pointer to have Anna direct their minis around the battle map. Also, the giant ship toy thing he was showing off last session is gone, and the ship layout is drawn in marker. I guess it's not that great to actually play in…
Phil: I think I mean- I don't think- Sweet's a man a few words. I think he's just gonna fuckin pound this guy in the face
Lars: Yeah I walk up and say "we don't work for tyrants"
Phil: There, that's a good one.
Töm: Good one.
Okay I promised I would be nice but it is funny that this softball is a praiseworthy line in this group.
Colville directs Lars to introduce his new character, King. As astute readers will remember, Lars's last character was killed immediately last session and he did basically nothing for the rest of the game. King is a Tempest Cleric. Colville gloats that he used Tom's copper die he was cooing about last session.
MCDM: Tom I rolled your copper die
Tom: No you diiidnnn't
MCDM: I did, it rolled really well. I rolled two 18s, a 14, and a 12
Why are dnd players so precious about the fucking dice? I'm reminded of the articles about prisoners who play RPGs and how they have to construct alternate random number generators when wardens disallow dice. Ah, sumimasen, my temper again. Math rocks go clickety-clack.
They roll initiative, and as stated in that quote, MCDM gave all the enemy initiative out in public. There are a bunch of little stands with their character art that he shuffles around to put in initiative order.
MCDM: well it would be probably easier to if we just use the [hang] cardboard [cans](?) but we want to try th- we want to try this for just one session, so the people watching could see. but I don't think if you can see through the camera I don't think these things show up on the camera.
Ok 👍
Phil: oh yeah, I'm gonna swing.
MCDM: You're inflicting- you're inflicting- the Haymaker inflicts disadvantage on yourself, but you have advantage because your special ability is-if I haven't acted yet-
Phil exactly.
MCDM: We got together over the weekend on Saturday and ran some danger room scenarios so we can all learn each other's abilities.
Perhaps should have checked if your little knickknacks you made were useful at all during these player trial runs.
Phil: 14
MCDM: 14 misses. this guy's wearing chainmail.
Riveting description.
MCDM: There's this loud crack as Sweet's fist connects with the guy's jaw and yeah it snaps his neck back and then he looks back at you and says "Ajax knows you were not responsible for what happened at the Cathedral. But if you kill me… he'll make your death personal."
As an entertainment product, bad voice acting and kinda dumb dialogue. As an example of a home dnd game, serviceable.
MCDM: I don't know- you're the chronicler right? I have not yet figured out what the chronicler does, what their, uh, special ability is. So that's something I'm have to think about
Lars fucked over again lol.
Tom's turn. Colville actually announces that it's the character's turn instead of player names as well. Tom shoots and kills two minions. The second MCDM secret sauce (from 4e)… the Minion rules!!!
MCDM: If there are any of these orcs that aren't Minions I will describe them as being different
Am I uncharitable when I say that I am unimpressed when everything is always described primarily in mechanical terms? I know you have to make some concessions when Running the Game™, especially when players almost always are less experienced at the game than the DM, but I can't but feel taken out of the fiction whenever it gets brought up. I'm sure I'm repeating myself here.
MCDM: Phil what's your armor class?
Phil:15
MCDM: 11 plus 6 is 17, 6 and 4 is 10, plus 4. okay, you take 14 damage. He great axes you.
Addition that neither the audience nor players need to hear and literally no description of the attack. This is the orc commander! You got no juice left in the tank for the first elite enemy turn?
Lars's turn now. He casts thunderwave. He doesn't know how thunderwave works spacially and Colville has to explain it. "I didn't cast thunderwave during our danger room combat." What. Was the point. of the whiteroom thing. if you didn't look at how your spells work?? There aren't that many level 1-3 cleric spells. It's a small thing, it's resolved quickly, it's just… you guys did homework for this game, why are there still blind spots like this? I guess even the smallest blind spots will get magnified because Colville is a pedant. Moving on.
Another audience engagement moment!
MCDM: There's a poll right now that's live on Twitch where folks get to vote on how the crew of the Rosacielo feel that you guys are trying to commandeer their boat.
Phil + Anna: We're not trying to commandeer their boat.
MCDM: Well that's certainly one point of view.
But like, they very pointedly are not? They decided against that when the captain let them on board. They're not attacking her. They're causing a lot of danger for that crew with this combat, but they are specifically not fighting the crew. Weird retort by Colville.
Minions attack Tom. Anna finds it notable when one gets 10+ damage. Colville refers to minion rules again, "these are completely normal orcs. Except they have 1 hit point."
Colville's game here is the first I've ever seen Minion rules actually in play, so I am just spitballing here, but this does make me confused why you'd even codify minion rules at all in mass combat. The point of them is so you can have large numbers of mooks to be mowed down with easy bookkeeping. But the only point players would have those, they wouldn't NEED codified rules of them having 1hp and all spells being save-or-die. They would just get downed in one attack or die regardless of saving anyways! AND, if they're the same as normal enemies, they still have effects you have to keep track of. You can see the disconnect between the mechanic and the intention in-fiction in Anna's confusion. If they're weak enough to be fodder, why do they still hit decently hard? Orcs aren't pushovers. By the time a player can shrug off 10 damage without worry, a 15hp orc is the same as a 1hp orc.
An ogre also appears from below deck. The commander says, "Club… go easy on 'em."
Ogre named Club. Cute. I like it.
Anna's turn. Anna asks for clarification about one of her class abilities, which Colville cheekily admits is just Crown of Madness renamed. Spends a while reading out the spell description multiple times. Giving examples. Sounds like this didn't come up in the whiteroom practice, even though she already tried to use it last week!
MCDM: *looks behind him* Speaking of the devil,
Anna: *gasps*
MCDM: I believe that's Jason Hassenauer just came
Anna: Oh… I thought something cool was about to just… *child voice* Dad?
First off, Colville is making a total non-sequitur saying "speaking of the devil," the Jason guy wasn't mentioned recently in conversation. And, making it a participle makes it more likely you're making a double entendre than the normal idiom. Second, Anna's joke is a bit difficult to parse from the transcript. She's joking that the "speak of the devil" would be an archfiend of some kind, and joking that her tiefling would be affected, daddy issues style, from said fiend showing up. Nobody laughs in the moment but I thought it was enjoyable. Her jokes land better for me than the others making dated pop culture references. Third, MYSTERY. SOLVED. Hassenauer is NOT the Steelers quarterback. It's the Jason guy they keep yapping about!!! I feel like a weight has been lifted.
An orc shaman appears from below deck. Colville checks the PHB for a spell description, "but I'm not gonna tell you which one." Is he gonna fully describe the effect of a spell in-fiction? 🤩 Well, he ends up not using what he stopped everything to check the phb for, after he slowly checks the battlemap and realizes he can't hit everyone in the party. Weird. Instead he Holds Persons Phil. Without using the name of the spell! He describes it in fiction! I think he narrates Phil saying something that's a pop culture reference I don't get, but… we must take the good with the bad.
Töm's turn. Sorcerer quicken spell firebolt kills a Minion, "completely incinerated, now of interest only to historians." Weird to have it be that destructive but w/e. And poison sprays the enemy orc shaman.
Phil passes hold person save and is freed.
MCDM: *looks at camera* minions are a great way to challenge a party with a whole bunch of folks- oh wait- sorry. *holds up finger to mouth in shush gesture* I was trying to-you were trying to tell them not to talk while other people are talking, while I was trying to talk while even more people were talking!
Anna: No!
Phil: That's not true!
Anna: We were trying to talk quietly.
Lars: *simultaneously* We were trying to map out- trying to strategize.
MCDM: *looks at camera again* We're trying to do better about cross-talk.
Crosstalk hasn't really been an issue at all. The transcription software struggles with it, but I don’t. Colville having this calling-of-attention to it was the most disruptive it's been. Most of it is quiet muttering that, far as I can tell, is discussion of movement on the battlemap. Which I don’t give a shiiiiiiiittt about.
MCDM: *Looks at phone* HarbingerOfTea says "I've got the MCDM channel on the big screen the chat on mobile and MCDM2 on the laptop. I am loving the interactive nature of the stream"
Twitch viewers are not real human beings bro
Tom kills one minion and misses his other attack. His displacer beast kills another minion.
Orc commander's turn.
MCDM: Ground commander Vodakov sees his minions dying, he says, "Weak fools. Offer still stands!"
He attacks Phil and downs him. Phil humorously goes "bleehh" and sticks his tongue out and folds his arms up.
MCDM (as Vodakov): I am now the commander. I order you to surrender.
Another C+ line, down to C because he was clearly saying it humorously. I think DMs generally shouldn't be saying joke lines at all, and it would be ok as a line in some shmuck like mine's home game, but again this is a product for an audience. I want a little bit of pop! Gimme some pop, professional dungeon master! You can't go from indulgent OCs doing crazy demon-lord-summoning and teleporting and exploding in the scripted fight and then have the real fight be winking at the camera hammy jokes. It just doesn't feel right.
Lars's turn. He uses spirit guardians. Two guys are in range of the SG lawnmower, and as both Lars and Colville say to each other, it's at the start of their turn or when they walk in range.
How it feels to know random rules bullshit off the cuff
A minion survives through the lawnmower and hits King, setting off one of his cleric things that kills him on a reaction. 2 minions attack Tom's animal. They hit it.
Ogre's turn. It resists Crown of Madness.
MCDM: Oh that's right, you were trying to command it with Halo, 'cause the dude that he was supposed to attack died. Anna: Yeah, ok, so, uh, sorry. That kinda messed things up a lil bit.
MCDM: I forgot he had the halo on him.
Anna: Everything was right because there was nobody around him anyway.
MCDM: Yeah I knew that.
Anna: I know you did.
MCDM: Yeah, I'm smart. not like people say. Not dumb. I'm smart and I want respect.
What is this double-layered fake deprecating sarcasm? Stop displaying psychology on stream, Mister Doctor Colville Dungeon Master. It's off-putting
Anna's turn.
Lars: *whispers* Can you get Phil up?
Anna: Huh?
Lars: Can you get Phil. Up.
Anna: Fill up with what?
MCDM: *laughs* *repeats the joke*
Lars: Can you get Phil [lastname] up. I need to touch him(?) to be optimal.
Anna: I'm gonna invoke an opportunity attack if I do that
MCDM: Oh, how horrible. But your armor class is a 16, it's pretty good (ed note: blatant lie, that's a 50% chance to be hit by an orc)
Tom: They're minions!
Töm: Get him up –
Anna: (simultaneously) Hang on.
Töm: – so we can –
Anna: (sim) Hang on hang on hang on.
Töm: Mock him for falling over so easy. "I thought you were a boxer!"
MCDM: Judge it's-it's your character. Do what you want. Follow your heart *smirking*
Lars: I'm not telling you to do it, I'm saying "can you?"
Anna: I'm just trying to think of what to do, because Phil going down and the guy breaking out of it kind of brings a lot of shit for me.
MCDM: I love it when a plan falls apart
EVIL EVIL EVIL
Anna's indecision is an inconvenience, but it's one Colville invites by trying to make the combat have the Super Duper Tactical vibe and always joking as if he is being an overtly adversarial DM.
I'm assigning evil points:
Phil: 0 evil points. Doesn't really talk during this tragedy
Anna: 1 evil point. Is indecisive when she should have already had a plan of what to do on her turn (she didn't expect the ogre to make its save on crown of madness but idk why that would change her calculus anyways)
Tom: 2 evil points. Speaks pointlessly during Anna's turn with unhelpful info to try and get her to do what Lars wants (the enemy being a minion doesn't matter for its damage on an OA), but only for a moment.
Töm: 5 evil points. Interrupts Anna to speak over her talking on her turn with a joke.
Colville: 6 evil points. Doesn't try to stop the others hijacking and talking over Anna's turn, makes his usual little jokes, and tells Anna not to listen to the others in a mocking way, clearly trying to make a joke as if to say "don't make a choice that'll bite you in the ass. Better think it over."
Lars: 100 evil points. Tries to backseat Anna's turn and, when called out, shamelessly tries to weasel out of it.
Lars and Colville look at Anna's class abilities and come to the conclusion that one of them is too weak and should be a bonus action instead of an action (wasn't this class supposed to be super rare awesome chocolatey fudge-coated mega super OP?). She acquiesces to Lars's suggestion and goes over and heals Phil.
Orc shaman's turn. It gets hit by the SG lawnmower. It then uses hypnotic pattern on the whole party. IDK the fairness or prudence of using a famously encounter-wiping spell with a low level enemy mage, but it only gets 2 PCs so Colville lucks out of kneecapping his own campaign.
Töm's turn. He is "going to scorch this turd." I guess another fire bolt?
MCDM: A 13 to hit? Oh, you miss. This guy's got ring mail and a shield.
Another riveting description of reading out the AC line on the stat block. Colville asks if he's done, Töm strokes his chin for a moment, and he decides to metamagic another fire bolt. Colville gives an acceptable description of how injured the orc shaman is (he says Eye of Gruumsh, though)
Unclear if Gruumsh is even in this setting, considering it's not forgotten realms.
Colville is about to skip Phil's turn when Phil reminds him the shaman has to make a concentration check, which he fails. Yikes!
Phil's turn. He does 2 haymakers, which he quibbles with Colville about the disadvantage that he does/doesn't have. Hits, does 26 damage.
MCDM: If this were 4th edition he'd be bloody, but it's not 4th edition so he isn't?
The pervert that gets horny for counterfactuals
Phil reads out a class ability:
Phil: As a bonus action I am going to use a-I don't need to use a grit point for that- I'm gonna Dig Deep. So, "as a bonus action you gain resistance to bludgeoning piercing and slashing damage for one minute.
MCDM: that's all these damages. sounds good-except the shaman.
Phil: At the end of that minute you gain a level exhaustion
MCDM: oh oh oh yeah, I got it. you pay for-you pay for it later.
Phil: yeah
MCDM: That's cool, I wish more things used exhaustion as mechanic.
This is just berserker frenzy, and berserker is famously the worst barbarian subclass. Was it not common knowledge in ye olde 2019 that you kinda don't want to make exhaustion too easily inflicted, especially not self-inflicted, on players?
Tom's turn. His cat attacks. He attacks. They take out two minions.
Orc commander's turn. He's hit by the SG lawnmower. He hits Lars. Lars does his damage on reaction thing. He fails the conc check and loses the lawnmower.
MCDM (as Vodakov): Where's your commander now? *looks to the left* Oh, shit.
Har-dee-har-har
Ogre's turn. Colville waffles on who to attack, chooses Anna. Ogre misses.
MCDM: He misses. Does something cool happen?
Anna: *shrugs shoulders* mmngunghu *grumbling out I Don't Know*
The conservatives were right, nobody wants to work anymore. The damn players don't even want to RP.
Lars's turn. He tries to cast prayer of healing, but Colville smugly tells him to check the casting time. He knows this because twitch chat reminded him. "Everything chat knows, I know!" *holds up hands villainously*
Instead, he uses sacred flame. 3 damage to ogre.
MCDM (checking phone): "I serve the rules, and the rules serve Ajax." I like the way this guy thinks.
The twitch chatters are RPing better than anyone in the damn show!! Give these guys the damn job!!
Anna's turn. She tries to use one of her class abilities, but is discheesed to find out it uses costly spell slots. She does a regular attack instead. It hits. She does a bunch of reflavored paladin damage. Colville does low effort jokey ogre dialogue.
Orc Shaman's turn.
MCDM: You annoy him. *moves mini up to Töm*
Töm: Finally.
Tom: You've been peppering in the back this whole time.
Töm: At last you notice me, and me, and me, and me.
I forgor to write down, on his first turn Töm cast mirror image. Töm's in-character jokes don't always land, but they're always charming. He's got charisma as an RPer.
The shaman casts hold person. Töm fails. He's up next immediately, and fails his save, so his turn is spent.
MCDM: This is a good fight! I expected it to be tough, and it is tough.
Can it, motormouth. Meta discussion is for the post-session.
Phil's turn. Hits twice, 26 dmg to the orc commander. Does a class ability for 2 more attacks (like monk I guess), another hit, 13 more damage to finally drop him.
Phil: That's right. And I wasn't doing that fuckin' subdual shit, I crushed that fucker's skull.
MCDM: yeah you hill giant strength punch through the back of his head. You see that his entire body twitches as it collapses like someone cutting the strings from a puppet.
Tom's turn. He shoots an arrow in the orc shaman. It hits and presumably drops him. Colville's version of the Matt Mercer classic "how do you do this?" is to ask him where he aims his arrow. Tom says it's for the right butt cheek 😂🤣.
Lars tries to convince the ogre to stop fighting. "Nicely, because I'm a cleric." Because I think he's just a rather awkward guy, he says this, and his in-character statement, quietly with his head facing downwards. He rolls, and without announcing the final roll says he fails.
Ogre's turn. It misses a club smack into Phil.
Anna's turn. She hits the ogre twice. Colville describes her tricking the ogre to look the other way, using her "lies" Fighting Style, as she lops off its head.
— COMBAT OVER —
This combat was WAY less annoying than the last session.
Töm: I had the BEST idea, it was like you were inside my mind, knew exactly what I was gonna say to that guy. But he's dead now.
Töm is shifting to my #1 on the leaderboard, he is the most consistent in-character RPer.
MCDM: Well, it is incredibly hard to convince someone to switch sides in combat.
Lars: Hey man, you can roll a 20. It can happen.
MCDM: No, no. There's no such thing as a critical hit on a skill. Or a critical failure, that's good news.
Lars: it happened with Andavar's special lady friend. The cultist who converted to Griffin the Stout, on the spot, when I rolled a 20.
MCDM: Yeah. That was a different scenario.
The pedant is actually dropping a 2019 truth nuke????
Colville starts plugging shit. Their patreon. Their wiki??? I guess I'll have to check that shit out so I can get spelling right in the future. 😪 ugh. Their twitch mods.
Colville rolls on the wild magic table for Töm. Colville admits he forgot to do so every turn in combat. Nothing happens. I didn't even realize he was a wild magic sorcerer. Graduation reference?
The twitch poll for the sailors' reaction to the fight is in. The sailors are happy the orc commander and his soldiers are gone.
Captain Massingham and first mate Godesto come up to Phil, and ask what to do with the soldiers' cargo and how they will pay for the damage to the ship. Anna is sent as party face to do these negotiations instead.
Anna does not feel like RPing out a long negotiation and asks to make a persuade check. Sad, but fair. She gets a 20+ and they get passage without decrementing the die on their treasury subsystem.
Phil wants to know what's in the cargo. It's supplies you'd find in a military camp, "like what you'd find in a dungeoneer or explorer's pack," and "a fetish of Grole (Grole is the god of the orcs)." Validating my displeasure at reading the statblock of the Eye of Gruumsh. Gruumsh doesn't exist here! That orc magician wasn't an Eye of Gruumsh, so don't say he is for your in-fiction narration!
Phil asks if there's alcohol. There is rum in a barrel with an imperial seal. He gives it to the crew, as a gesture of good will.
Party asks the captain where the orcs were headed. They were going to a place called the Infinite Desert ("The Egypt analogue" as Phil calls it), since the Pharaoh didn't bow to Ajax and a war of imperial expansion is going on there. A moment of tension interrupts discussion. Tom's displacer beast tenses up, hackles raised, before leaping forward… to chase a rat scurrying on the deck. Annoying fake-out from Colville there.
The party is shown to their rooms on the ship. It will take them 2 weeks to the next big plot point, at the city of Capital.
Source: r/TAZCirclejerk · by /u/King_of_the_Lemmings