don’t even know where to begin, but i’ve kept all this bottled up for years and i just need to get it off my chest.
on paper, i’m privileged. i live in a good house/bungalow, my family is well off, but inside i feel completely dead. the actual essence of life is just missing.
since childhood, i have been an extreme extrovert but things changed in corona where is basically never realised how world went far all my school friends in 7th like started online talks which I never discovered until I went to school in 9th being postive just to realise there is world new world out there like they go to cafe have secert talks very much gossips and all the things which made the all go worst is my best friend aahan who became my friend in 4th and yeah he is still my only friend and will forever be my friend but yeah it's a great thing but you know it's all because we won't landed in same class in 9th and funny part he was me perfectionist like legit 98% was a result for him he was humourous tall handsome every teacher loved him intrested in all things social ,cinema,pop culture like all so he use to sit beside me and yeah he was one who has tons of friends and female friends like they all use to gather around our bench and talk with him he use to share me all his secrets and all of i be honest the only things I lived my life in school is that knowing his story or involved in it like I basically had no dns except of him but you know he was great but other thing changed a lot for me like one of my biggest mistake of my life that I wrote tbh to one of my class friends on ista then he revealed something which simply boided me like I completely lost my confidence and thought that other don't think like this I was being dumb he called be guy with low sense of humor have no idea what to speak and what not that actually ruined my all confidence ofcourse there were other things but this played a major role then I became so much unferconfident that I never spoke in group of people there were so many more things which I can't fit in here so let keep it forever with me . i’ve never really had friends growing up. right now i have just one friend , forever grateful to have him in life . i have zero deep bond with my cousins, and i can’t talk openly about my feelings with my parents either. i never had that space to just confess, vent, or feel heard by anyone.
i used to have massive passion for cricket and football—i could spend hours watching and following matches. now? absolutely nothing. that fire is completely gone. i don’t watch movies, i don’t watch tv shows, i don’t hang out with anyone. my entire day literally goes into sitting alone in my room and daydreaming scenarios in my head to pass the time.
academically, it's the same pattern. i get super hyped when starting something new, convince myself "this is what i'm meant to do," and then the motivation vanishes into thin air. failed 12th science, switched to bba+cfa, and now in sem 1 i'm already failing basic internal tests and getting paralyzed by adhd brain fog from my meds.
i feel completely trapped. i can’t quit college because i can't afford another failure, but i have no drive, no friends, no hobbies left, and nowhere to let this emotion out. just living on autopilot every single day.
thanks for reading if you reached till here.
well honestly I have no idea what to do see my father got a textile buisness but same here I use to think my life is set with this I use to be chill with things and never ever my family or father told me to or force me to do what they want I always had freedom but we'll this sometimes mishit like this actually ruined me in education can't blame them if I am able to do this current course it's because they are okay with me doing what I want but you know when you can't do anything and see you family give you this freedom you feel more " " I don't know what's that feeling but like basically I am trying to run with no direction and always ending with poor results weather it's education or social life or whatever I even went to textile buisness but same lost interest later like simplely I don't have any idea what I want or what my life want from me
wish corona never ruined things for me
yeah one last things can't stretch this long of mental problems
i got hair pulling so absurb that I am going bald but can't stop myself
i even eat my toes nails and skin you gonna get shell shocked if you see my toes condition
i even eat plastic and even tissue paper chewing plastic give me pleasure so does all nail and skin and hair habits I have even ruined my lips like it's turned Balck becuse of constant eating it even my entire teeth enamels are gone due to constant chewing and grinding fuck it man I stop here
why am I like this I just don't know like if someone look at me the won't believe I am 18 like I act so childish and so mental person like I am ugly (conformed by my sister and mother who constantly says that to me) but the fact the way I act if in case I am recorded I can't believe I was doing this like I am completely lost in a imagination that I act so mental
Source: r/IndianTeenagers · by /u/Firm-Force4989