Me [39F] with my boyfriend [40M] of 3 years. I find myself screaming, blowing up, and resorting to brutal truths out of pure exhaustion from his weaponized incompetence and stonewalling. Am I losing my mind, or is this the only way to get through to him?

I am at a complete breaking point, and I will be the first to admit that this relationship has turned me into someone I barely recognize. I have found myself screaming at the top of my lungs, cursing, calling him names, and tearing down his habits during hours-long arguments because literally nothing else pierces his passive, defensive shell. I have a demanding, high-level career, and I hold myself to rigorous standards of excellence. But with him, I feel like the only competent adult in the room, driven to absolute fury by a man who is entirely content existing in mediocrity.

We don’t live together. He owns his house, has two kids from a previous marriage, and a senior dog. For three years, I have poured immense intellectual and strategic energy into helping him streamline his life, manage his household, and navigate co-parenting logistics. Instead of rising to the occasion, he defaults to sloppy, thoughtless shortcuts that sabotage basic domestic function.

A few days ago, I walked into his bedroom and found a damp towel hung inside his dark closet instead of on the shower door where it belongs. I have addressed this exact hygiene and mildew issue dozens of times. When I asked him why he did it, instead of taking accountability, he launched into rationalizations: "I hadn’t done my laundry, but I’ve been pretty good about it usually…"

This is his chronic pattern: minimization. He refuses to own the impact of his actions and immediately tries to soften the blow. I was furious. I told him that if he fails to plan ahead and leaves his towel in the bedroom, the consequence is that he has to walk to his room naked to get it and clean up his own mess—he does not get to casually raid the clean linen basket to hide his mistake and leave another damp mess for later. If he can't stop minimizing basic accountability, I cannot keep staying in his home.

Yesterday, the exact same lack of care showed up again: he jammed the recycling bin until it was overflowing without breaking down boxes, and set a dirty, greasy spoon directly on a clean stovetop. I lost my temper completely. I laid into him and told him point-blank that I cannot spend my life dealing with mediocrity in every single domain, and that his life is mediocre. When I demanded, "What do you have to say for yourself?", he just stood there with a completely blank stare.

That blank stare is why things escalate into three-hour marathons:

• When I ask for the why behind an action, he talks around it with the what, offering conflicting theories that make zero sense and patronize my intelligence.
• He goes totally passive and stonewalls, which makes my blood boil and pushes me into raising my voice, yelling, and tearing apart every single flaw just to get any genuine reaction out of him.
• When the yelling finally stops, his discomfort vanishes instantly. He goes right back to being relaxed, happy, and carefree, completely unbothered while I am left carrying all the residual rage and mental load.
• He loses all motivation to solve chronic behavioral issues the moment the pressure is off. I recently told him he needs to use his personal therapy to figure out how to maintain motivation to fix his blind spots even when no one is actively screaming at him.
• Even with his children, his instructions are often contradictory or lack follow-through, forcing me to step in, override him, and provide clear direction so the household doesn't fall into disorder.

I know how bad it sounds to admit to screaming, calling him mediocre, and handing down strict rules. But from my perspective, I am being driven to explosive madness by a partner whose weaponized passivity and defensiveness leave me with no other way to be heard. Every misplaced towel, dirty spoon, and defensive excuse feels like a direct slap in the face.

Am I becoming abusive because I'm being pushed past my psychological limit by an incompetent partner, or is it time to cut my losses and leave?

tl;dr: My boyfriend's [40M] chronic weaponized incompetence, defensiveness, and blank-stare stonewalling drive me [39F] to screaming fits, multi-hour lectures, and telling him bluntly that his life is mediocre. Am I justified in being pushed to this extreme to demand basic accountability, or is this relationship simply bringing out the absolute worst in me?