STALKING: When Your Ex Won’t Accept Your Breakup

"It's not over til *I* say it's over!" "I don't accept this." "I won't let you do this to us." "You can't break up with me!"

Sometimes your partner won't take No for an answer.

Your ex thinks they can win you back. Persistence pays off! You do not understand what a great thing you have. You don't know what's good for you!

They bombard you with phone calls, text messages, social media posts, letters, emails and gifts. They follow you wherever you go. They always seem to know where you'll be, and show up there too! They're waiting beside your car when you get off work. They pound on your door no matter what time it is.

"Give me closure!" they beg, when what they really want is just to get you back in front of them so they can plead their case again. "Just let me see you one last time to say goodbye!" If you give in, it's just the same conversation over and over and over.

Your ex may begin to target your friends and family, trying to get them to pass messages to you or persuade them to plead their case.

This is the mind of a Stalker.

Sometimes, their obsessive love and devotion begins to burn into rage. You are no longer the magic person who makes their life complete. You are the cruel, heartless, selfish betrayer who has caused them so much pain. So much suffering. You need to be punished.

This is stalking at its most dangerous: The mind of The Vengeful Stalker.

This is the legal definition of stalking: REPEATED unwanted contact/surveillance by a person/group toward someone, especially after the target requested no contact.

The worst mistake victims make is to dawdle. They don't file police reports, hoping Stalker will give up and go away. They may pity them, reluctant to "get them in trouble" or hurt their feelings. It's too late! Your stalker is already upset!

STALKING 101: What To Do First

Do not respond, but keep everything they send.

Keep evidence at the first unwanted contact. Hopefully they'll give up, but you need proof in case they don't.

Keep texts, letters, emails, voice mails, direct messages and screenshots of social media.

Take your evidence to the cops, file charges and get a protective order.

This is my personal recommendation from experience. Go to your local Domestic Violence Center FIRST, and ask if they can send an advocate with you to file your report. Some law enforcement officers view stalking as a nuisance case, and will minimize your concerns, insert their own opinions or even (although it's ludicrous) be unaware of what the law actually is. Your advocate WILL be aware of your rights, will "remind" the officer if necessary, and will be a witness to their conduct. I endured misogynistic responses, was told what he was doing wasn't dangerous or illegal, and that nothing could be done. This was false. Take an advocate if you can. Of course this shouldn't happen – but it does.

Report ALL violations of your protective order to the police. Again: you may encounter indifference or misogyny, so FOLLOW UP on your reports. Call or (best of all) go to the police station personally to file these reports and check up on the progress of your case. If your stalker hasn't been arrested for violating your protective order, demand to know why. Don't just send a lazy email that the officer may delete or delay viewing – or that gets sorted or deleted by their computer as spam. (Nol, you shouldn't have to do this, and yes, it's an inconvenient pain in your ass. Be diligent! Do it anyway. It just might save your life!)

Call your District Attorney's Office and (if in the USA) state Attorney General's Office and demand to know why your local police department is not enforcing violations of your protective order. Call your legislators. Make noise and be a pain in their ass if you must. It may save your life.

if your stalker comes to your house, do not answer the door. Call the police, tell them that a person you do not want to see is on your doorstep and is refusing to leave. Let the police deal with them. Be sure to tell the police that you have a protective order if you do. Tell them that you are a stalking victim or they may code this is a low-priority call.

Stalkers are master manipulators. They often threaten self-harm if you won't do what they want. If they do this, call 911 and send EMS to their house. Tell 911 they're threatening to kill themselves. EMS will see that they get the help they need – or charge them with filing a false report. Either way, it's not your problem. Let the professionals deal with it.

Tell everyone you know that you have a stalker, and to take messages, not give out your contact info, if someone tries to reach you. Some stalkers pose as interested employers, your child's school, a good Samaritan who found your lost property and wants to return it, etc., to try and get your contact information from friends and relatives. They can think up very clever and convincing stories.

Stress that your relationship is over. There is no possibility for a reconciliation! This helps prevent your stalker from enticing pals to help them arrange meetings, pass them info, etc.

Never give in to pleas for "closure" or "just let see you one last time to say goodbye…" Stalkers have lured out and murdered victims this way.

Feel no guilt. You aren't responsible for your ex's hurt feelings and you don't owe them "closure" after a breakup. Wish them well, but stress that it's over and to never contact you again.

"Trying to be nice" to a possible stalker by offering friendship is writing them a permission slip! Your stalker does not want to be your friend. They want YOU, and will continue to trample your boundaries.

Maintain your silence. You already told them, "don't contact me." If they email you 76 times and you reply in exasperation, you teach them that bombarding you with 76 emails will win your attention and earn them a response.

Say nothing and hang up if they call. Note number, date and time in your evidence log. Block the number.

Get a whistle or one of those canned boat horns. Blow it in the phone when you hear their voice.

AGAIN: Keep all contact attempts for the cops. Did I mention that you shouldn't respond?

THINGS TO DO TO PROTECT YOURSELF

Change your locks if they ever had keys to your house. Did they borrow your car? Stalkers often copy your keys while they have them.

Notify your bank, credit cards and the credit bureaus. You may need to get new account numbers.

The internet is full of nasty little sites that offer your address, phone number and other personal info for a fee, such as TruthFinder and Spokeo. Request to have it removed. Be aware that they do information dumps multiple times a year, and will most likely repost your information again within 3-4 months. You should make checks for it at least quarterly per year, and file new removal orders if necessary. Be sure to search for multiple versions of your name, especially if you changed it for/after marriage, divorce, etc.

Set your social media accounts to private/Friend View only. Don't accept follow or friend requests from anyone you don't know personally. Go through your Friend/Follower lists and delete people that you don't know personally. It's trendy and cool to have lots of social media followers, but a stalking victim can't afford this. Stalkers will create and use fake profiles to get their foot back in your door. Set your viewing privileges to Friends Only, because Sammy Stalker may create a fake profile and Friend your friends in hopes of viewing your posts on their pages. Remember to have your children do all this if they have social media accounts too.

Walk your home each day. Look for *anything* out of place; patio furniture that's been moved, overturned potted plants, etc.

Lock your gates.

Check each room for hidden cameras. Turn off the lights. You are looking for a pinpoint of light, probably red or green. Light fixtures and power outlet covers are common hiding places.

If they had access to your computer, get it checked for spyware by an expert, like Geek Squad.

Get cameras if your stalker comes to your home, or if you think they might.

Be aware of your surroundings and if you're followed.

Has your mail been opened and put back in your box? Rent a PO box!

Stalkers often use sympathetic friends and relatives to keep tabs on you and collect information. Cut those people off and tell them why. Don't underestimate the danger. A dumbass pal secretly unlocked one of my windows so my stalker could enter my apt to "talk it out."

Photo/video property damage. File reports.

if encountered by your stalker: Make a scene. Scream. Fight!

In your car, call 911 or drive to a police station! Never lead them home!

Don't be forced inside a car if you can help it, not even if they're armed!! RUN AWAY SCREAMING. An average person will miss a moving target. You're under their control if you get in.

If you are forced inside a vehicle, make them wreck it in a busy place! Kick/ hit them or the steering wheel – whatever you must do! Take any chance to seize control. You may not survive what your captor has planned for you!

Self-defense is VERY personal. If you arm yourself with a weapon, be trained to use it and willing to live with the fact you'll maim someone or end their life. Don't do this if you are unsure. You may freeze at the moment of reckoning, be disarmed by your stalker and have your own weapon turned on you.

Your doctor or Domestic Violence Center can help with support. Stalking can cause PTSD. Help is available and YOU ARE WORTH IT

Report ALL violations of your protective order to the police. Again: you may encounter indifference or misogyny, so FOLLOW UP on your reports. Call or (best of all) go to the police station personally to file these reports and check up on the progress of your case. If your stalker hasn't been arrested for violating your protective order, demand to know why. Don't just send a lazy email that the officer may delete or delay viewing – or that gets sorted or deleted by their computer as spam. (No, you shouldn't have to do this, and yes, it's an inconvenient pain in your ass. Be diligent! Do it anyway. It just might save your life!)

Call your District Attorney's Office and state (if in the USA) Attorney General's Office and demand to know why your local police department is not enforcing violations of your protective order. Call your legislators. Make noise and be a pain in their ass if you must. It may save your life.

if your stalker comes to your house, do not answer the door. Call the police, tell them that a person you do not want to see is on your doorstep and is refusing to leave. Let the police deal with them. Be sure to tell the police that you have a protective order if you do. Tell them that you are a stalking victim or they may code this is a low-priority call.

Stalkers are master manipulators. They often threaten self-harm if you don't do what they want. If they do this, call 911 and send EMS to their house. Tell 911 that they're threatening to kill themselves. EMS will see that they get the help that they need – or charge them with filing a false report. Either way, it's not your problem. Let the professionals deal with it.

Tell everyone you know that you have a stalker, and to take messages, not give out your contact info, if someone tries to reach you. Some stalkers pose as interested employers, your child's school, a good Samaritan who found your lost property and wants to return it, etc., to try and get your contact information from friends and relatives. They can think up very clever and convincing stories.

Stress that your relationship is over. There is no possibility for a reconciliation! This helps prevent your stalker from enticing pals to help them arrange meetings, pass them info, etc.

Never give in to pleas for "closure" or "just let see you one last time to say goodbye…" Stalkers have lured out and murdered victims this way.

Feel no guilt. You aren't responsible for your ex's hurt feelings and you don't owe them "closure" after a breakup. Wish them well, but stress that it's over and to never contact you again.

Maintain your silence. You already told them, "don't contact me." If they email you 76 times and you reply in exasperation, you teach them that bombarding you with 76 emails will win your attention and earn them a response.

Say nothing and hang up if they call. Note number, date and time in your evidence log. Block the number.

Get a whistle or one of those canned boat horns. Blow it in the phone when you hear their voice.

AGAIN: Keep all contact attempts for the cops. Did I mention that you shouldn't respond?

THINGS TO DO TO PROTECT YOURSELF

Change your locks if they ever had keys to your house. Did they borrow your car? Stalkers often copy your keys while they have them.

Notify your bank, credit cards and the credit bureaus. You may need to get new account numbers.

The internet is full of nasty little sites that offer your address, phone number and other personal info for a fee, such as TruthFinder and Spokeo. Request to have it removed. They do information dumps multiple times a year, and will most likely repost your information again within 3-4 months. You should make checks for it at least quarterly per year, and file new removal orders if necessary. Be sure to search for multiple versions of your name, especially if you changed it for/after marriage, divorce, etc.

Set your social media accounts to private/Friend View only. Don't accept follow or friend requests from anyone you don't know personally. Go through your Friend/Follower lists and delete people that you don't know personally. It's trendy and cool to have lots of social media followers, but a stalking victim can't afford this. Stalkers will create and use fake profiles to get their foot back in your door. Set your viewing privileges to Friends Only, because Sammy Stalker may create a fake profile and Friend your friends in hopes of viewing your posts on their pages. Remember to have your children do all this if they have social media accounts too.

Walk your home each day. Look for *anything* out of place; patio furniture that's been moved, overturned potted plants, etc.

Lock your gates.

Check each room for hidden cameras. Turn off the lights. You are looking for a pinpoint of light, probably red or green. Light fixtures and power outlet covers are common hiding places.

If they had access to your computer, get it checked for spyware by an expert, like Geek Squad.

Get cameras if your stalker comes to your home, or if you think they might.

Be aware of your surroundings and if you're followed.

Has your mail been opened and put back in your box? Rent a PO box!

Stalkers often use sympathetic friends and relatives to keep tabs on you and collect information. Cut those people off and tell them why. Don't underestimate the danger. A dumbass pal secretly unlocked one of my windows so my stalker could enter my apt to "talk it out."

Photo/video property damage. File reports.

if encountered by your stalker: Make a scene. Scream. Fight!

In your car, call 911 or drive to a police station! Never lead them home!

Don't be forced inside a car if you can help it, not even if they're armed!! RUN AWAY SCREAMING. An average person will miss a moving target. You're under their control if you get in.

If you are forced inside a vehicle, make them wreck it in a busy place! Kick/ hit them or the steering wheel – whatever you must do! Take any chance to seize control. You may not survive what your captor has planned for you!

Self-defense is VERY personal. If you arm yourself with a weapon, be trained to use it and willing to live with the fact you'll maim someone or end their life. Don't do this if you are unsure. You may freeze at the moment of reckoning, be disarmed by your stalker and have your own weapon turned on you.

Your doctor or Domestic Violence Center can help with support. Stalking can cause PTSD. Help is available and YOU ARE WORTH IT